Falling Faster
by ErykahMiszti
Summary: Post-Wrecked. Buffy's thoughts in the night. Dark and painful, like a panic attack. This is written in defense of Buffy against all the nasty comments I've heard about her behaviour.


Title: Falling Faster

Author: Erykah

Email: erykah@hamadryad.com

Website: http://www.sweet-poison.net/

Summary: Post-Wrecked. Buffy's thoughts in the night. Dark and painful.

Rating: PG-13. A few bad words is all. 

Disclaimer: These characters and situations belong to evil people who hurt me regularly (Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy et al). Love them for it. Hate them for it. Thanks and respect. Hurt me some more. I dare ya. 

Note: The formating is meant to be like this. It's a stylistic thing not an error. 

Xxxxxxxx

Why is it so cold? It's not supposed to be so cold. It should be burning. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Everything's wrong. So so wrong. Hell should be burning me. Wrong. It's all wrong. Why doesn't this cross burn me? It should burn. I'm not human. I'm wrong. He said I came back wrong. It should burn. He said I was wrong. Bastard. He better not come here tonight. The garlic will keep him out. Will the garlic keep him out? Giles never mentioned garlic. He never said. He should have said. He shouldn't have gone. I need him to tell me about the garlic. Why did he go? I want Giles back. We'd he leave? Why did he never tell me about the garlic? He should have told me. Does it work? It better work. It'll work. It wont let him in. It wont. If it does, there's the cross. Yes. The cross. I'll burn him. Burn him right up. Make him hurt. No, wait. He'd like that. He likes the pain. No. I'll stake him. Make him go away. Then he'll go. Why wont he go away? Why doesn't he just go away? Who's that screaming? Where's the screaming coming from? I hear screaming. Is that Willow? Poor Willow. Poor Willow. Bitch Willow. That bitch. She did this to me. Hate her. Hate. No. My friend. In pain. So much pain. Why wont she stop screaming? Shut up! Shutupshutupshutupshutup.. why wont she stop? What if it's not her? Am I screaming? I don't know. Am I screaming? Why isn't this cross burning me? My hands should be burning. Where is he? Can't he hear me screaming? He wont be able to get in. Good. Don't want him in. Garlic on the window. It'll work. He'll stay away. He might use the door. No garlic on the door. He wont use the door. It's okay. He'll be here soon. He always comes back. Bastard. Wont leave me alone. Why wont he leave me alone? Why is he doing this to me? It's a spell. He made a spell. It's not real. He gave me something. That's it. It's not me. Sweat it out. It'll go away. Out of my bloodstream. Just gotta work him out of my bloodstream. Like a drug. That's it. Like a drug. Like Willow. Like a drug. He's a drug. He did something to me. That's it. I want Angel. Where's Angel? Why doesn't he come? He'd come in the window. Not like Spike. He'd use the door. Bastard. Not doing things right. Using doors like a he's was a normal person or something. Why doesn't he use windows like a vampire should? It's not right. Thinking he's human. He's a thing. Why doesn't he get that he's a thing? Why doesn't he realise that? He's the thing. He should know he's a thing. Angel knew. That's why he left. It was wrong. He knew it was wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. I tell him what he is. Why doesn't he get it? Why wont he go away? Everyone else goes away. Why should that thing be any different? Why would a thing stay? Angel left. It was wrong. I'll stake him. He's comes near me again and I'll stake him. Then he'll go. He'll be gone. No more kisses. No more touching. No more cold flesh against mine. Inside me. Touching me. Making me feel. No more screaming. I want to feel. Why can I feel his hands still? Why him? Why a thing? Doesn't he get that he's a thing. He shouldn't be able to kiss like that. A dead man shouldn't make me burn. I don't want to feel. I don't want to feel. I don't want to feel him. I don't want to touch him. Touch him. Hold him. Cold floor against my back. Strong, hard body holding me. He wont let me go. I'm choking on him. He's choking me. Why can't I breathe? He's stolen my breath. I can't breathe. I can't breath. He wont let me fall. Why wont he let go? Why wont he go away? I don't want to feel. It wasn't heaven. It wasn't heaven. Sleeping in his arms wasn't heaven. There was no peace there. None. No peace. Not like heaven. This is hell. See it's burning. I'm burning now. That's hell. See that's hell. I'm burning now. His touch burns. See. Not heaven. No burning in heaven. That's hell. Hell burns. Heaven. I want heaven. No burning. No kisses that burn me. Peace. No peace in his arms. I want to feel. Why can't I sleep? I slept last night. In his arms. Tired. I was just tired. The fight. The fight made me tired. That's why I slept. Simple. See. It was the fight. It wasn't him. Never him. Wrong. That would be wrong. This is hell. He's a thing. He's not heaven. I didn't touch heaven. Not with him. No. Wrong. Everything's wrong. It's wrong. This is hell. Heaven was peaceful. Nothing mattered. This is hell. Spike's not heaven. He's a thing. A thing. I kill things. I don't fuck them. See. That's all it was. Horny. The fight. Like Faith said. Hungry and horny. That's all. It was a good fight. That's all. He was there. Convenient. I want Angel. That would be heaven. See. Soul. Can't be heaven without a soul. What would God say? He'd say no. God would say no. No Spike Heaven. No soul. No heaven. See. Simple. Where is he? The garlic will keep him out. Can't come in the window. Why is she still screaming? Shut up! Shut up! He better not come. I'll stake him. I'll burn him. I'll hurt him. No. That's wrong too. Can't hurt a thing. Just a thing. Can't hurt a thing. Bastard. Why's he a thing? It's not right. Wrong. It's wrong. It wasn't heaven. He'll use the door. He always uses the door. Bastard. Helping Dawn like that. Protecting her while I was gone. Why'd he do that? He's not a man. Why'd I think I could trust a thing? Thinking he's a man. He's a monster. He said so. A monster shouldn't think he's a man. Shouldn't expect to be treated like a man. Getting kissed. Wanting kisses. Kisses. Such great kisses. Why can I feel those kisses? Why wont they go away? It wasn't heaven. No peace. It wasn't heaven. Loving him wouldn't be heaven. It would never be heaven. No peace there. Not sleeping in his arms. Not like I did last night. Why can't I sleep now? Will that screaming never stop? Will he never come? I can't sleep without him. It's not heaven. His arms aren't heaven. I'm not waiting for him. I'm not. Why is it so hot in here? Why am I burning? This is hell. I'm burning. See. Hell. Now I'm burning. He's making me burn. No. He stopped me from burning up. But then why am I burning? He stopped me burning so he could burn me. He saved me. Now he's killing me. That's it. He's hell. He's hell. Wrong. Everything's wrong. I'm not waiting for him. He's not heaven. I can't sleep without him. I'm burning. Who's that screaming? I'm not waiting. I don't want him here. The garlic on the window will keep him out. Unless he uses the door. No garlic on the door. He'll use the door. Except he's a thing. He should use the window. Like Angel. Because it's wrong. He shouldn't walk in the front door. He's a thing. Where is he? Why doesn't he come? Why can't I sleep? 

I'm not waiting for him..


End file.
